Friday, December 10, 2010

never be the same

I'm a happy person.
People look at me as the girl who always laugh.
Teasing others.
but I'm not the same person as I was 15.
15 is when I saw the death for the first time.
The time that became my point of life.
It was my belated dad.
I just remember he said "why you never believe in me?"
that words made me cried double then others when watching "Big Fish".
maybe because I didn't get the chance to continue my dad's stories.
I was having these dreams.
several days before my dad passed away.
I will never forget.
I got fever.
bad fever.
I can't get up
for about 3 days.
I saw the same scenes with what I faced in the hospital later.
seeing death in front of my eyes was like kissed by a dementor.
I wondered why God choose my dad
am I lack of prays?
I was never be the same again on the inside
I was luckily studied in great schools.
where we all happy...
enjoying everything.
but I'm not.
I was
but not anymore.
I am a thinker since that day.
I think and ask about things to my family
to my friends
to my teacher
I bet they thought I was a creep.
honestly, I'm easy to mingle
but I often to pull out myself
I dont want to overjoyed
I dont want to overlaugh
because when I did those things.. there's a silence moment that suddenly remind me to the memories.
this thought of death always haunted me.
I even punished myself if I'm overjoyed
with stayed at home...
locked up from the society
I remember a story.
About prophet Muhammad, visited heaven and hell.
in heaven he saw many beautiful things.
in hell...  (I dont want to wrote it)
Muhammad never overjoyed anymore
Muhammad never over laughed anymore
maybe that is also my condition.
 I'm so shocked.
I'm afraid to hell.
I'm afraid to die.
I'm so scared of death.
I think I'll never be prepare for it's to come.
and these visions wont go away.
death seems to continually appeared
first in a flash
then in the reality
my uncle passed away
my stepgrandfather passed away
my childhood  friends
passed on her 23rd years of life
my boyfriend's grandfather...
my little cousin passed away on her 7th.
in front of my eyes.
 the last time I saw her,
I saw her on kaffan before inside my mind
like a flash.
when I heard she was sick.
I drove my car at 01.00 am
to the next city
arrived at 02.30 am
she passed away on 03.00am
 I hold her.
today, I lost a friend too.
I dont really know her actually.
But we know each other.. we laugh when we meet.. we said hi!
she passed away this dawn.
and I was dreamming that I was a bride... crying badly.. running... and confused.
I was a traditional bride... and I'm crying i front of the mirror..
my mom was beside me.. asking me to who i'll get married?
"I don't know" i answered
I woke up.
 Javanese believe, being a bride inside the dream means bad..
somebody will get sick.. or losing someone.
I prayed to God.. hope it wasn't related to me or my mom.
She's the only one I got.

maybe it was the sign for today.

heard about her death made me sad
made me scared.
I don't wanna die
I'm too young too die
I was talk to a friend.
He said, nobody could predict the death.
and the death wont tell when is the time.
so... why is people who dying leaves some sign?
hidden on their words.. on how they were act?
why these coincidences are always happen?
I really cant enjoy myself.
I even hard to start sleep.
I better sleep because I'm tired.
If I wasn't tired, these visions haunt me.
I'm afraid of death.
I'm afraid death meet me in my younger ages.
when I havent start my own family.
when my mom haven't being happy.
I warned people
They thought I wasn't fun
My boyfriend even sometimes thought I'm a silly thinker...
a bad thinker that ruined dreams.
 I can't be fun... I tried.
I remember my belated dad... talked to me
"why you never believe in me?"
maybe this what he was meant
everytime I'm happy
I will never be more happier than others.
seeing death
made me never be the same again.

 rest in peace

you've been a very funny friend

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